All I can ask you
by Hakucho
Summary: One shot set after the Kyoto arc. Shinomori Aoshi sits down to meditate.


Forgive me.

That's all I can think to ask of you at this moment: forgive me. If I knew of the pain I'd be causing you with the path I had taken then...how **could** I have known? It just seemed so natural – so right – to have taken that road for you.

If it _wasn't_ natural to begin with; would Battousai – one of our most worthy adversaries – have agreed to a combat with me? With **us** – to allow **us** to relive that glory, that pride, that we lost because of a weakened government?

Yes. Because it became wrong in the end…and for that I am sorry.

I still remember how it started before it came to this; I remember it as it latched a pain onto my heart which kept on growing through all these years until now…it was this very pain which haunted me after you gave your lives for my own.

I remember watching them leave back then; unable to carry on in a world where the Revolutionaries had won, unable to pursue former lifetimes of grace and honour because of the reality that faced them and their families…unable to avoid the laws decided by those who were now in charge of the country.

And you? You had no where to go. No one else outside our group to walk back to, when Tokugawa had declared his surrender, no one else outside our group who would have understood you…there was no way I could just leave you all behind, for _my_ own future. And, it seemed, you didn't want to leave my side; even when we left everyone else behind in Kyoto that night. You were dutiful to me until the end, each one of you…and I shall **never** forget it

So in the end, I twisted your loyal sacrifices into the height of our failures.

I kept telling my heart that it was for **you** I would continue on with our mission; just to earn for the **five **of us the title of the strongest…the right to stand alongside others who also strived to mark their places in history…the right to be remembered as the Oniwanbanshuu, even if it would be in a world that went on with changing and destroying itself as time passed by.

Does it please you that I did this in your names?

Or are you ashamed of the man who fell into evil, caring nothing for the fate of innocent people, let alone the** real** wishes of either you or those still alive?

There were signs all around me that I was in the wrong to have gone down that path, to have agreed to work with Shishio, but I didn't want to listen…

Okina – the one who gave me the position to become Okashira after he retired – accused me of casting aside our honour just to become another _killer_.

Shiro, Kuro, Omasu and Okon – our former comrades – were too _frightened_ to speak to me, when I confronted them to tell me where Battousai was hiding.

A boy and a young girl – Battousai's associates – said to my face that I was now using a _cursed sword_.

And Misao – who we left behind to be a strong, normal child – apparently _cried_ for us. For _me_. Because Battousai promised _her_; as well, that he would bring me _back_ to her in spite of what I said last time. But if I saw her tears for myself then, I doubt I would have done _anything_ to stop them from pouring down her face. Or, for that matter; to prove to everyone else they had nothing to feel hatred and shame towards.

I neglected them all just to gain our victory. But, despite all that they had done to show me back to my senses, I gained nothing. Their words, their pain, and their anger weren't enough to make me realise how I was freefalling to my own demise…it was a battle that did that for me.

A fight against a swordsman; Hitokiri Battousai. The man I vowed to kill since the day you all jumped in front of the Gatling gun to protect me.

It was he who told me that I was using your deaths as an **excuse** for our mission...it was he who said that all along I was only **lying** to myself that I wanted to fight him in your names and earn our place as the strongest warriors…it was he who knew the **truth** that I distorted you all into demons.

I apologised then for having done such a thing to you, but now I am aware that right there it actually meant **nothing**.

But it might mean something _now_, as I sit here searching for the peace that would quell the pain in my heart.

I am sorry, my men. Please, forgive me.

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Disclaimer: Characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki as well as Shueisha/Shonen Jump magazine.

The comments "another killer" and "cursed sword" were said in the manga. I put them in because, of course, they're what he'd remember.

**A huge "thank you" to the wonderful HitokiriTaijiya, who took the time to beta-read this story and point out what was wrong. Check out her stories! And another "thank you" to the brilliant Firuze Khanume, who also helped point out mistakes in this one shot. I'm honoured that I had been given help from such a talented and insightful writer bows deeply**


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